An Ode to those we miss

The idea of Jacques Derrida’s Difference- It sounded like bonkers on our first encounters with it but slowly did it start to make sense. The past doesn’t determine the future it just impacts the present.

Humans have abandoned their spontaneous memory for conscious construction of history, they still instinctively cry out for memory, that live, spontaneous experience. Museums, monuments, show the contrast between the past they represent and the present societies. Visiting them has to take conscious efforts, like rituals, in an otherwise ritual-less society. The idea of collective memory and Durkheim’s idea of Collective consciousness speaks volumes. Collective memory in very simple term is a utilitarian concept as it can be a tragedy, a disaster, a loss or even witnessing a natural phenomenon and this is done by the mere individual in communities they identify themselves in and as groups.

Of all the promises I made to myself the hardest one is the one in which I kept all the happy memories alive. I am not sure if they are memories to remember or nightmares to fear. Does that mean they are only from the past? Our idea of the past is subjective and mostly ignored as yellow pages or dirty grounds are anyways done and dusted with. This isn’t a stereotype it’s become more or less our reality.



Dear Ammama,

You left this world when I was in my 9th grade. Whenever I think about you, my heart just melts. You did love us all. You looked out for this love in people and I am sorry for all those that disappointed you.

You are amazing. You are beautiful. You have a great heart and you made my childhood way better. I know I have never told you this and it’s probably too very late but I Love you. I always will and until I die, you will live in my heart.

I remember going to Madurai with you at the beginning of every summer. I used to count the days leading up to it. And the small Green house that we used to live in beside Mama’s house. I remember how devoted you were. I remember getting small idols back home from your house and in fact, they are still here at our house and I remember you every time I look at them.

If I could go back to that green house and sleep there next to you, cramped up, yet extremely happy, I would do it. I really would. You deserved better. I know some people were too fucked up to see you for what you are. But I saw you.

And I think you knew how much I loved you. Thank you for everything and if there’s an afterlife, let’s meet again!

Hope you are in peace.


To the one who never loved Me,

I can’t believe I am writing about you. Again. Despite the deep pain and the severe emotional trauma you caused, we did have some really good days. Days I thought  I would never forget, and yet is fading away.  I don’t think you loved me. I don’t. That’s about it. And I do not blame you. You are scarred from your previous relationship and you never really got emotionally attached to me. Now thanks to you, I know how it feels to fear attachment. But I won’t ever lose faith in love.

Because that’s the ultimate death isn’t it? To lose faith in something as beautiful as love. What’s the meaning of life then?

Anyways, thank you for showing me how love feels like. You are my first love. You made me feel things that I never thought I could feel! It was amazing. Also, thank you for showing me the pain of a heartbreak. I could say it was worse than death. But, I grew from it.

It’s funny how we went from “crazy in love” to this. I think you think I don’t know but you went on to date my childhood friend. I knew through him. Worst day of my life. No matter how much time passes, if we ever speak again, it would be an awful guilt trip for you. That’s exactly why you should stay away.

Still, we are all humans and we all fuck up. Hope you change and find peace.

And I know you said you are scared of feelings but I hope you have the courage to face your fears and find love again. You are better than your worst times and I hope you find someone in this world. That said, I do not want anything to do with you.


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